You wouldn’t think so, but being happy takes a lot of work.
When I say “you” I mean myself, of course. I would have never thought being happy required so much effort.
But it does. I work on it every day. And sometimes it feels like a Sisyphean task. The myth of Sisyphus being my ultimate, favorite Greek myth. The boulder I’m pushing finds itself in different positions throughout the day. Sometimes I’m at the top and I’m proud of all the work I’ve done. Sometimes I’m in the middle, and I ask myself if I’ll ever get there. Other times I’m at the very bottom of the hill and I don’t know why I even bother.
My biggest challenge is finding a way to be happy despite the trauma of painful experiences. It’s been almost two years since I made an extremely painful decision that changed the course of my life permanently. It was awful. Since then, I’ve struggled to move forward. I ask myself: how do people get out from under the heavy thumb of personal trauma? On top of my own trauma, the decision I made caused pain to a person that is very special to me. I still think about it a lot and I can’t help but feel a sense of survivor’s guilt. It was for the best, but that doesn’t seem to be much comfort to me. How long will it take until I truly believe that it will work out for the best for both of us?
Is it a good time to get a therapist? I’m working on that too.
I’m working on being grateful for what I have now, in front of me. And not just in between those moments when I want to give up and run away. I’m working on being grateful all the time. I’m putting myself on a regimen of smart quotes and music that doesn’t make me sad and eating healthy and working out more often. I’m making sure that I indulge in things I really enjoy, like spending time in my new apartment and watching tons and tons of movies. I particularly enjoy not doing anything at all. I used to feel guilty about not having more projects and not learning new things and not being more busy. But now, I don’t give a shit about that. All I want to do is feel good.
I need to get over the past. I need to get over the things I used to have and the way I used to feel. I need to accept that things are different now. Things take more work. Yes, everything used to be easier. But things had to change. This is where I throw in a metaphor about metamorphosis and the painful transition from caterpillar to butterfly and how in order to make a good life omelet you have to break a ton of bad habit eggs.
Speaking of quotes, I recently came across a quote about how everyone is responsible for their own happiness. And then I read a friend’s blog entry that talked about being responsible for your own lack of change. The silver lining for me is that what I am going through now is a result of me standing up and being responsible for my own change. I stood up from the depths of wonderful, sleepy complacency and ventured out into the cold, unpredictable future. The price of my evolution was that I leave the trappings of a familiar life behind. I sacrificed my past in order to have a better future. Sometimes, the future feels like hell. But like that one quote says, if you’re going through hell, keep going.
I realize the past couple of entries have been kind of depressing. They won’t all be, though. That is what I’m counting on.
Talons and Skills 